Eggshells

I live much of my life walking on these. Sometimes I wonder where the eggshells end and the real talk begins...or if it exists really. Ok, that's cryptic, but that's the best an eggshell walker can do. It's a tiring journey. Honesty comes with quite a price. One I am most often not willing to pay. I prefer to not ripple the waters, to begin another metaphor. It has been my experience that one must learn one's place in life, then decide if it is worth it to live in that place or move on. Well, I say that, but in some cases, as with children, moving on is not an option. I am not quite sure what my point is, but I sometimes wonder if I have ever had a time in my life, my real life, that I was able to really just be me and not the me that was acceptable to others. For instance, getting aggravated. That seems much like a luxury, and one I am often not afforded. It is probably that way with everyone I imagine. Not being able to be aggravated if someone irritates me, or makes me feel small, or makes me feel dispensable leads to a feeling of ...I want to say worthlessness, but I don't really think that is the word as I don't really feel worthless to me...but perhaps the better way to describe it is taken for granted. I have in my past attempted at various times with various people tried to (oh so delicately) express this feeling, which usually ends up quite an ugly mess and I feel worse (as it is, of course, my fault, my misinterpretation, my pathos, MY something, anything but a legitimate feeling that someone else would take ownership of causing...it ususally sounds like "oh Mama, you are always so.....(fill in the blank) about things" or "Oh, good grief Sally, you always think (fill in the blank) and that's just not true." Always. Big word. And what they are really saying is my feelings are not valid, especially if they are related to pain I apparently imagined I felt as a result of some apparently nonexistent cause which I must have also imagined... so, I gingerly walk on the eggshells, day in and day out, each day feeling less and less passionate.