On my way again to Williams Funeral Home in Milledgeville...my aunt Sadie.
Sometimes I have the overwhelming feeling of being alone...and sometimes, I really am alone.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
AMAZING!
AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING DAY!!!!!!! HOPE IS ALIVE! I CAN rise up from the ashes! My heart and prayers are with you always John and Kelly! THANK YOU for sharing the miracle with us!
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Today....I felt this post from the past was appropriate...because it has proven once again to be true.....I did dare...and I did disturb the universe...but this time I was not caught by surprise...just saddened at the truth and immediate loss. I can't have a feeling contrary to what others believe I should have without losing that someone...so what IS real friendship? What IS real love when it so easily says "you are not worth the effort"? I reread the response to this post...and marveled.
"I live much of my life walking on these. Sometimes I wonder where the eggshells end and the real talk begins...or if it exists really. Ok, that's cryptic, but that's the best an eggshell walker can do. It's a tiring journey. Honesty comes with quite a price. One I am most often not willing to pay. I prefer to not ripple the waters, to begin another metaphor. It has been my experience that one must learn one's place in life, then decide if it is worth it to live in that place or move on. Well, I say that, but in some cases, as with children, moving on is not an option. I am not quite sure what my point is, but I sometimes wonder if I have ever had a time in my life, my real life, that I was able to really just be me and not the me that was acceptable to others. For instance, getting aggravated. That seems much like a luxury, and one I am often not afforded. It is probably that way with everyone I imagine. Not being able to be aggravated if someone irritates me, or makes me feel small, or makes me feel dispensable leads to a feeling of ...I want to say worthlessness, but I don't really think that is the word as I don't really feel worthless to me...but perhaps the better way to describe it is taken for granted. I have in my past attempted at various times with various people tried to (oh so delicately) express this feeling, which usually ends up quite an ugly mess and I feel worse (as it is, of course, my fault, my misinterpretation, my pathos, MY something, anything but a legitimate feeling that someone else would take ownership of causing...it ususally sounds like "oh Mama, you are always so.....(fill in the blank) about things" or "Oh, good grief Sally, you always think (fill in the blank) and that's just not true." Always. Big word. And what they are really saying is my feelings are not valid, especially if they are related to pain I apparently imagined I felt as a result of some apparently nonexistent cause which I must have also imagined... so, I gingerly walk on the eggshells, day in and day out, each day feeling less and less passionate."
"I live much of my life walking on these. Sometimes I wonder where the eggshells end and the real talk begins...or if it exists really. Ok, that's cryptic, but that's the best an eggshell walker can do. It's a tiring journey. Honesty comes with quite a price. One I am most often not willing to pay. I prefer to not ripple the waters, to begin another metaphor. It has been my experience that one must learn one's place in life, then decide if it is worth it to live in that place or move on. Well, I say that, but in some cases, as with children, moving on is not an option. I am not quite sure what my point is, but I sometimes wonder if I have ever had a time in my life, my real life, that I was able to really just be me and not the me that was acceptable to others. For instance, getting aggravated. That seems much like a luxury, and one I am often not afforded. It is probably that way with everyone I imagine. Not being able to be aggravated if someone irritates me, or makes me feel small, or makes me feel dispensable leads to a feeling of ...I want to say worthlessness, but I don't really think that is the word as I don't really feel worthless to me...but perhaps the better way to describe it is taken for granted. I have in my past attempted at various times with various people tried to (oh so delicately) express this feeling, which usually ends up quite an ugly mess and I feel worse (as it is, of course, my fault, my misinterpretation, my pathos, MY something, anything but a legitimate feeling that someone else would take ownership of causing...it ususally sounds like "oh Mama, you are always so.....(fill in the blank) about things" or "Oh, good grief Sally, you always think (fill in the blank) and that's just not true." Always. Big word. And what they are really saying is my feelings are not valid, especially if they are related to pain I apparently imagined I felt as a result of some apparently nonexistent cause which I must have also imagined... so, I gingerly walk on the eggshells, day in and day out, each day feeling less and less passionate."
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I shall have some peace
I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree,
And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made:
Nine bean-rows will I have there, a hive for the honey-bee;
And live alone in the bee-loud glade.
And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,
Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;
There midnight's all a glimmer, and noon a purple glow,
And evening full of the linnet's wings.
I will arise and go now, for always night and day
I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore;
While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements grey,
I hear it in the deep heart's core
And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made:
Nine bean-rows will I have there, a hive for the honey-bee;
And live alone in the bee-loud glade.
And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,
Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;
There midnight's all a glimmer, and noon a purple glow,
And evening full of the linnet's wings.
I will arise and go now, for always night and day
I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore;
While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements grey,
I hear it in the deep heart's core
Monday, October 12, 2009
decisions and revisions
(fragments)
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
...........
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.
In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.
And indeed there will be time
To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair—
..................................
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.
For I have known them all already, known them all:—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?
.......................................
And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”—
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: “That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all.”
And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor—
And this, and so much more?—
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
...........
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.
In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.
And indeed there will be time
To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair—
..................................
Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.
For I have known them all already, known them all:—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?
.......................................
And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”—
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: “That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all.”
And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while,
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor—
And this, and so much more?—
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
BACK!
The daughter, the son-in-law, the grandson, the beach, the art festival, the water...the water...the husband and me...
but I am now back to reality.
But SOON, again soon...the daughter, the son-in-law, the GRANDSON, the beach, the beach...the husband and me...
but I am now back to reality.
But SOON, again soon...the daughter, the son-in-law, the GRANDSON, the beach, the beach...the husband and me...
Friday, October 2, 2009
THE BEACH!!!!!!!!!!
I am so VERY excited! Thursday night Mick and I are off on a tiny vacation! First, we will stay a day or so at the beach! Walk on the sand, lunch at Barbara Jean's (YUM), dinner at Seajay's, browsing at Go Fish, sitting on the pier, and just being. How much my soul longs for and needs the sea. Everything always seems better there...."heartaches are healed by the sea"....and I need that.
THEN, off to see Bud! I miss him SOOOOO much, my little grandson who is such a man!
All this will be so, so, so wonderful! I am giddy with excitement!!!
Booking the rooms tonight!!! YIPPEE, YAHOO and YEEEEHAAAWWW!
By the way, John Fogerty...no, we can't come to Nashville...at least not as far as I can tell at the moment...but OH MY GOD thanks for ASKING!!!! Of course, you probably won't see that message here but on Twitter.
Life.
THEN, off to see Bud! I miss him SOOOOO much, my little grandson who is such a man!
All this will be so, so, so wonderful! I am giddy with excitement!!!
Booking the rooms tonight!!! YIPPEE, YAHOO and YEEEEHAAAWWW!
By the way, John Fogerty...no, we can't come to Nashville...at least not as far as I can tell at the moment...but OH MY GOD thanks for ASKING!!!! Of course, you probably won't see that message here but on Twitter.
Life.
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